Cut

I feel like everything spinning out of control.
Maybe I'm just taking things too seriously.
But it isn't exactly easy to get over someone blaming /you/ for the near death of two people...
And maybe they're right, maybe if i hadn't interfered everything would have been alright.
I truly thought what i did was to help everyone.

Having to carry around the guilt that you ruin the lives of everyone you know really takes a toll on you.
Being told that everything is your fault hurts real bad.
I actually can't physically bare to be around anyone anymore.
I don't leave my room unless I'm forced to, and I always feel too guilty to refuse.

And the thing that bothers me the most is that everyone's acting as if everything is okay.
Well it's not, I'm not okay! Her venomous words hit me way too close to home for me to simply ignore what she said. And i won't pretend that everything is alright like them.

Last night i actually thought my mom noticed I wasn't happy.
No, I'm not attention seeking, but for someone who feels they are worthless all the time, having someone care if up lifting.
I was wrong. She said to me "Do you ever get off your phone? It's starting to make me worry..."
Well I have no one else to talk to what did you expect?
Maybe if you spent less time worrying about my phone and more on the words that come out of you selfish child's mouth, maybe then you'd understand how I was feeling right now.

But, like most things, no one cares...

And my sister had the audacity to think i wasn't angry at her.
Taking me into a public situation so i'd be forced to talk to her.
Then still thinking I was interesting in doing projects with her still... I think not.
I only wanted to in the beginning to show my family that I was trying to make a difference and get things back to normal, and the fact that i have a sever fear of failing and being rejected. At least with another person, you fail together and can say it wasn't completely my fault.
I'll rather do it alone, and stop if i fail.
I heard desperation in her voice so I know she needs my help, but she's not going to get it, not after waht i got put through.
She wants something she can try accomplish it on her own.
I won't even be jealous if she manages to get anywhere with it.

I really need someone to talk to about this, but the only ones who with give me their time aren't physically here, and that doesn't actually help me.
I literally feel like everyone's against me.

Maybe with some time things will get better...

This Is Me

I've really been having a hard time recently but today I was given such an amazing compliment:
One of the kids said "you really sound like Demi Lovato"
Maybe not everyone likes her, but from a vocalists point of view she's pretty good
I was really touched
Strange how something as stupid and small as a compliment could make me feel better

Now I've been told I sound like two of my favorite artists, Demi Lovato and Hayley Williams
Its the biggest ego boost ever
I'll work hard to reach their excellence

Unbroken

Still depressed of note, but, I think its getting better...
Its a step closer to being ok
I haven't cried yet today even though you can see the tears behind my eyes
And even if I land up crying later, cutting it down to once or twice will be an accomplishment

I know feeling sorry for myself won't make things better, but its unfair to assume I'm feeling sorry for myself
These are the feeling and issues I've had to deal with for a long time, bottle up and be strong for everyone else
I guess I must have hit my breaking point and I cry for all those feelings I could never express
And it feels good

I was smiling this morning and my mom was like "its nice to see you laughing today" yes my response wasn't exactly a kind one with "only on the outside I'm afraid" but I don't think she understood what I found so funny
I was laughing about wanting to be erased... It isn't exactly the usual thing to find funny
In fact I don't know why I was laughing
I was be slap happy from all the tears

And I could get over this a lot faster if things would just remain constant
I hate that one minute I feel worthless as shit, and the next I'm flying high
It feels internally cruel like you can not imagine
Like there's two little children fighting an insulting each other till one is left broken
And it doesn't help I feel torn to such a degree
To be able to life I have to leave, but what will happen after I'm gone?
This guilt makes things too hard to choose
I don't think I could choose myself over someone else
Its not me...

I would rather suffer than let someone else suffer

And well, pain keeps my mind in reality
Last time this happened I retreated so far away I don't know what exactly was happening in real life...
But it helped
I never tried to kill myself
Which I fortunately don't believe in

And I'll stop with the depressing talk... Its emotionally draining me

So I'll stop on this subject for now

Breathing...

Its hard to give someone advice when they are nothing like you...
And the way I am I see as the norm
I sometimes don't realize that I am a special, maybe unique case

To be able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand how they feel is a give that not everyone has
How can I give advice to someone who can't do that?
That can see where the other person is coming from?
Who hasn't seen enough hell to realize what an impact is makes?

I mean it took two years, more even for others to understand what I went through how could I expect them to understand someone else now?

Fact be, everyone doesn't want to take the blame themselves and admit that they are to blame
Its just easier to say "its not my fault" "how could they say that" "I did nothing wrong"
I see fault on both sides of the line
It takes two to tango
It takes two to fight
I don't think many people can be part of a verbal fight and say they did nothing wrong
The only time its different is when one or more of the people in the fight have a mental disorder of some kind
Then it just not fair to blame them

What I've been trying to say is I don't think I'm the best person to give advice here
This time

I do have something to dedicate to the ones that are having problems right now

"Supposing we got older, supposing we began, supposing I stop running, could begin again"

Down...

I hit a low point today

Somehow managed to experienced enough psychological trauma to put my body through shock
Strange how relieving the same even could be so painful
No wonder I broke

Now I have to push through all these old feelings of abandonment and worthlessness and try and come out strong again
I'll be honest, I won't be able to go through this again without breaking

But I'll pick myself up and keep walking forward

Demons...

I think things are getting too much for me to handle again...
Things may seem okay, only because I lie so well I fool myself
But in actual fact I'm retreating...
Running away... Some place safe in my mind...

I've been having a number of conversations with myself
So many thoughts I think I overwhelm myself
But now I'm having trouble decided what really happened
Or what I imagined...

I'm just lucky my body can't lie as well as I can...

And things I would have noticed I didn't...

Worrying...

The pressure to please everyone is getting to me
As much as I like to say I don't give a fuck sometimes I do
And I'm so frustrated...

I really shouldn't have days of emoing...
Makes me a fucking ray of sunshine...

Maybe I'll post something happier later
Or explain my day of emoing
But for now I can't really care