Cut

I feel like everything spinning out of control.
Maybe I'm just taking things too seriously.
But it isn't exactly easy to get over someone blaming /you/ for the near death of two people...
And maybe they're right, maybe if i hadn't interfered everything would have been alright.
I truly thought what i did was to help everyone.

Having to carry around the guilt that you ruin the lives of everyone you know really takes a toll on you.
Being told that everything is your fault hurts real bad.
I actually can't physically bare to be around anyone anymore.
I don't leave my room unless I'm forced to, and I always feel too guilty to refuse.

And the thing that bothers me the most is that everyone's acting as if everything is okay.
Well it's not, I'm not okay! Her venomous words hit me way too close to home for me to simply ignore what she said. And i won't pretend that everything is alright like them.

Last night i actually thought my mom noticed I wasn't happy.
No, I'm not attention seeking, but for someone who feels they are worthless all the time, having someone care if up lifting.
I was wrong. She said to me "Do you ever get off your phone? It's starting to make me worry..."
Well I have no one else to talk to what did you expect?
Maybe if you spent less time worrying about my phone and more on the words that come out of you selfish child's mouth, maybe then you'd understand how I was feeling right now.

But, like most things, no one cares...

And my sister had the audacity to think i wasn't angry at her.
Taking me into a public situation so i'd be forced to talk to her.
Then still thinking I was interesting in doing projects with her still... I think not.
I only wanted to in the beginning to show my family that I was trying to make a difference and get things back to normal, and the fact that i have a sever fear of failing and being rejected. At least with another person, you fail together and can say it wasn't completely my fault.
I'll rather do it alone, and stop if i fail.
I heard desperation in her voice so I know she needs my help, but she's not going to get it, not after waht i got put through.
She wants something she can try accomplish it on her own.
I won't even be jealous if she manages to get anywhere with it.

I really need someone to talk to about this, but the only ones who with give me their time aren't physically here, and that doesn't actually help me.
I literally feel like everyone's against me.

Maybe with some time things will get better...