Unbroken

Still depressed of note, but, I think its getting better...
Its a step closer to being ok
I haven't cried yet today even though you can see the tears behind my eyes
And even if I land up crying later, cutting it down to once or twice will be an accomplishment

I know feeling sorry for myself won't make things better, but its unfair to assume I'm feeling sorry for myself
These are the feeling and issues I've had to deal with for a long time, bottle up and be strong for everyone else
I guess I must have hit my breaking point and I cry for all those feelings I could never express
And it feels good

I was smiling this morning and my mom was like "its nice to see you laughing today" yes my response wasn't exactly a kind one with "only on the outside I'm afraid" but I don't think she understood what I found so funny
I was laughing about wanting to be erased... It isn't exactly the usual thing to find funny
In fact I don't know why I was laughing
I was be slap happy from all the tears

And I could get over this a lot faster if things would just remain constant
I hate that one minute I feel worthless as shit, and the next I'm flying high
It feels internally cruel like you can not imagine
Like there's two little children fighting an insulting each other till one is left broken
And it doesn't help I feel torn to such a degree
To be able to life I have to leave, but what will happen after I'm gone?
This guilt makes things too hard to choose
I don't think I could choose myself over someone else
Its not me...

I would rather suffer than let someone else suffer

And well, pain keeps my mind in reality
Last time this happened I retreated so far away I don't know what exactly was happening in real life...
But it helped
I never tried to kill myself
Which I fortunately don't believe in

And I'll stop with the depressing talk... Its emotionally draining me

So I'll stop on this subject for now