All The Things She Said

Today was a very interesting day...

First test, just as stupid as the subject...

Second test... Well at least I got my mark up by 20% that's something...

Today, Michelle decided "we needed to talk"...
My mom told me she's been pushing for this talk for a while, but my mom merely said "now is not the time".
So I looked the child right in the eye and asked her, is she sure she wants to do this, I'm going to have an opinion and something to say about it, if she's not okay to hear these things then maybe we should leave it for now.
Apparently she was fine...
And so our exactly 40 minute long talk started...
I was told not to argue with her... I didn't
I was told we had to accept something was wrong... I did...
Don't raise your voice... Blah blah blah...

Something in me clicked... I went into psychologist mode...
Maybe it was something she said, I don't know...
But there's one thing that is true in any situation, you can't argue with facts... And I have personal experience to make things better... I was armed with everything I needed to make a point and boy did I make that point.

I told her everything that happens has to do with a choice.
You have the choice whether you do something or not.
You are using your problems as an excuse, using it as a crutch.

These where things she didn't want to hear...
I have no idea what she was expecting to gain out of this chat, but it was definitely not what she got.
And she knows I'm watching her now so things are bound to become very interesting.

My mom and I predict that tomorrow morning will be fine, and then round afternoon time its suddenly going to become a "bad day".
Well... We'll see.

I think I found a place to belong for the moment.
I clicked with a new writer recently... It may not be the same as the last one, and I miss it dearly, but it'll do for now.
Its a start and better than nothing and I can accept that.
Maybe I can turn it into something close to watch I previously had if I'm lucky...

Speaking of what I previously had, maybe I should put more effort in?
I always waited for her to message me... Maybe I should message her for a change...
Yeah, I think I'll do that...
I don't want to loose what we had...
I really miss it dearly and need to keep it going, for my sake.

Pieces of Me

I have a lot on my mind at the moment.
So much that I actually can't think straight until I get things in the right order.
It's stupid what's on my mind but it's still there, even though it is stupid.

I feel very forgotten about these days...
And I know it's sounds stupid but I started relying a lot on some people.
They helped me through a lot of the problems I've been having, just by saying hi to me on a daily basis.
Then, one day, everything just changed...
Suddenly I didn't matter anymore...
I became boring or something...
The one person I thought cared obviously didn't...
Though I can't blame this on her... I was putting a lot of pressure on her even if she didn't notice.
I needed her more than I thought I did.
And she didn't need me at all...

My heart broke into a thousand pieces...

I understand that what we shared wasn't real, not even a little, but it's the closest thing I've had to someone really caring about me because they wanted to.
I might just be being over sensitive, the whole ordeal not being real and all, but it was real enough for it to make a difference to me... To mean something to me...

And too many things are happening all at once, its a little difficult to take it all in at once...

I realized for the first time today that I actually have a real life friend again...
Its been a long time since I've had more than just someone I spoke about and "called" my friend...
And to be completely honest... I don't know how to react to this.
I get all excited and everything when I get a message and then think "I actually get to see this person in a few minutes..." I never thought I'd go through this experience again in my life...
I was content with this idea...
I was okay with what I have...

So here I sit... No answers in sight...

JLZ Literacy Autobiography - Writing

My love for writing started at age 14.
We were given a project to write a short story in a fairy tale genre, and I've been writing ever since.

In the beginning writing was hard for me, because I would sometimes miss words or have spelling errors that I wouldn't notice till much later, but because of perseverance I'm improved dramatically since the start of it all.
My favorite genre is romantic tragedy and fantasy.
Can't say there isn't room to improve...
But hopefully over time I will get better.

I'm hoping to post some of my original work one day but I decided to start small first and practice before throwing my own work into the world.
And the best way to practice in my opinion is to keep writing but in a different type of, I don't know if you would call it genre or style, and posting it for people to critique and read.
Fan fiction is a good practice method.
Its not 100% original but every version of the story would be different and there's a specially site made just for the posting and reading of fan fiction.
As strange as it sounds fan fiction is actually very popular and thanks to a bunch of my online friends I got into it.

This is a link to one of my FanFictions:
http://m.fanfiction.net/s/7551070/1/Broken_Pieces

Its actually doing very well, got some people following the story and I get critiques every now and then which really help you get used to what your audience wants.
At the start I was writing it to control my depression, which would explain the dramatic opening, but soon I started writing it for the readers and giving them what they wanted.
Its turning out to be an amazing project...

There is another form of writing practice.
Last year I discovered role play, which is basically writing a story with the help of other people.
There's no specific place you can do this, but my favorite medium for rp is Twitter.
I've only ever managed to get it right twice, but the piece my partner and I wrote was so touching and sad that everyone who was watching at the time was moved to tears...
That isn't an easy thing to accomplish.

And this also teaches you grammar and how to write properly, because no one wants to talk to what we call Trolls because its annoying.
Want to make an enemy fast and be labeled as a troll send "dem a msg dat luks like dis".
That is bad english and horrific grammar.

So that is many literacies and ways of improving them.

Are You Ready?

Awkward moment is awkward when your blog can be used for academic purposes...

So yes, the next post up is for a project and will be labeled as one too
So ignore or read it, it's up to you...

Its fortunately on something interesting

Cut

I feel like everything spinning out of control.
Maybe I'm just taking things too seriously.
But it isn't exactly easy to get over someone blaming /you/ for the near death of two people...
And maybe they're right, maybe if i hadn't interfered everything would have been alright.
I truly thought what i did was to help everyone.

Having to carry around the guilt that you ruin the lives of everyone you know really takes a toll on you.
Being told that everything is your fault hurts real bad.
I actually can't physically bare to be around anyone anymore.
I don't leave my room unless I'm forced to, and I always feel too guilty to refuse.

And the thing that bothers me the most is that everyone's acting as if everything is okay.
Well it's not, I'm not okay! Her venomous words hit me way too close to home for me to simply ignore what she said. And i won't pretend that everything is alright like them.

Last night i actually thought my mom noticed I wasn't happy.
No, I'm not attention seeking, but for someone who feels they are worthless all the time, having someone care if up lifting.
I was wrong. She said to me "Do you ever get off your phone? It's starting to make me worry..."
Well I have no one else to talk to what did you expect?
Maybe if you spent less time worrying about my phone and more on the words that come out of you selfish child's mouth, maybe then you'd understand how I was feeling right now.

But, like most things, no one cares...

And my sister had the audacity to think i wasn't angry at her.
Taking me into a public situation so i'd be forced to talk to her.
Then still thinking I was interesting in doing projects with her still... I think not.
I only wanted to in the beginning to show my family that I was trying to make a difference and get things back to normal, and the fact that i have a sever fear of failing and being rejected. At least with another person, you fail together and can say it wasn't completely my fault.
I'll rather do it alone, and stop if i fail.
I heard desperation in her voice so I know she needs my help, but she's not going to get it, not after waht i got put through.
She wants something she can try accomplish it on her own.
I won't even be jealous if she manages to get anywhere with it.

I really need someone to talk to about this, but the only ones who with give me their time aren't physically here, and that doesn't actually help me.
I literally feel like everyone's against me.

Maybe with some time things will get better...

This Is Me

I've really been having a hard time recently but today I was given such an amazing compliment:
One of the kids said "you really sound like Demi Lovato"
Maybe not everyone likes her, but from a vocalists point of view she's pretty good
I was really touched
Strange how something as stupid and small as a compliment could make me feel better

Now I've been told I sound like two of my favorite artists, Demi Lovato and Hayley Williams
Its the biggest ego boost ever
I'll work hard to reach their excellence

Unbroken

Still depressed of note, but, I think its getting better...
Its a step closer to being ok
I haven't cried yet today even though you can see the tears behind my eyes
And even if I land up crying later, cutting it down to once or twice will be an accomplishment

I know feeling sorry for myself won't make things better, but its unfair to assume I'm feeling sorry for myself
These are the feeling and issues I've had to deal with for a long time, bottle up and be strong for everyone else
I guess I must have hit my breaking point and I cry for all those feelings I could never express
And it feels good

I was smiling this morning and my mom was like "its nice to see you laughing today" yes my response wasn't exactly a kind one with "only on the outside I'm afraid" but I don't think she understood what I found so funny
I was laughing about wanting to be erased... It isn't exactly the usual thing to find funny
In fact I don't know why I was laughing
I was be slap happy from all the tears

And I could get over this a lot faster if things would just remain constant
I hate that one minute I feel worthless as shit, and the next I'm flying high
It feels internally cruel like you can not imagine
Like there's two little children fighting an insulting each other till one is left broken
And it doesn't help I feel torn to such a degree
To be able to life I have to leave, but what will happen after I'm gone?
This guilt makes things too hard to choose
I don't think I could choose myself over someone else
Its not me...

I would rather suffer than let someone else suffer

And well, pain keeps my mind in reality
Last time this happened I retreated so far away I don't know what exactly was happening in real life...
But it helped
I never tried to kill myself
Which I fortunately don't believe in

And I'll stop with the depressing talk... Its emotionally draining me

So I'll stop on this subject for now